Monday, July 04, 2005
It's 4th of July - Aren't I Supposed to be Happy?!?!
For the past seven years, I have spent every 4th of July in Las Vegas. Not this year - instead I am recovering from laparoscopic surgery.
I know I am jumping around a little. Last post I left off when I was referred to Dr. Hirata. I will come full circle back to that point in the next blog. After 3 days of recovering and thinking I felt compelled to skip ahead to where I am out now.
On Friday I had a laparoscopy to definitively diagnose whether or not I had endometriosis. To say the least it cam back positive. As my doctor put it, she has not seen a case of worse endo. in her life. The team of surgeons tried to remove it all, however, were not able to because it had migrated to the area of my kidneys. Any attempt to remove this endo. could possibly cause permanent kidney damage. When my surgery had ended, the doctor called Will to let him know that our chances of conceiving a child had doubled - most of the endo. had been removed. This was the first thing Will told me when I woke up in recovery. I was ecstatic- there was actually hope. I always figured it would be my luck to go through this surgery and have them find nothing - luckily they were able to determine what had been going on with me.
I came back to my parents house to recover for the weekend. For one of the first times in my life I have not had to lift a finger, my mom and Will have been there to take care of every need. The recovery has been physically painful. They had to go through the belly button for the laparoscopy. They then found I had a cyst on each ovary and had to make incisions on my right and left abdomen. I have three areas of entry on my stomach. Recovery was going fairly well until yesterday morning, which is when Dr. Hirata called to follow up with me to see how I was recovering.
She started the conversation by reiterating the fact that my endometriosis was pretty severe. We talked about how she had told Will our chances have doubled. She said that was the case, however, not with the IUI treatments we had been doing. In my next post I will come back and discuss the two failed IUI's over the past couple of months. She then proceeded to tell me that if I really wanted to have a child - we would need to get moving full force ahead with doing In Vitro Fertilization (IVF.) I asked her why this was and was given the following explanation about my case:
Endometriosis is a disease that is only lessened or goes away when the following occurs; pregnancy, your on birth control or you have a hysterectomy. If one of those cases is not occurring, even though they just removed my endo., it will start growing back rapidly. In my case, I have it so severe, that time is of the essence. We do not have time to see if pregnancy happens naturally or if IUI's might take - we have to aggressively move forward.
In a way, this was quite the blow. On one note, I remain thankful that my chances have still increased, that they have determined what is wrong with me and that technology has benefited me by providing IVF and other Assisted Reproductive Technology methods (ART's.) On the other hand, all hope going forward is quite costly. IVF treatments are not guaranteed, if that doesn't work we could explore surrogacy or adoption which can cost upwards of three times the amount of one IVF treatment.
Today I have come face to face with the possibility of living life childless. How do people do it? Are nieces and nephews enough?? Am I being selfish for wanting a child of my own so deeply that it hurts? Should I be thankful for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life? Can my Grandma please let God know that I really am ready!!!
To my dear friends that do read this and have been reading this - thank you. I hope this sheds some insight into all the times I have not called or emailed back or been the friend or family member I should have been. This has taken quite the toll on me. I love you for all of the continual support I receive - I don't think there is anyone on earth that has a bigger or better support system than I do. This blog has been so therapeutic for me - I hope it sheds some insight into all of the things I have not been able to verbalize over the past year. I love you.
I know I am jumping around a little. Last post I left off when I was referred to Dr. Hirata. I will come full circle back to that point in the next blog. After 3 days of recovering and thinking I felt compelled to skip ahead to where I am out now.
On Friday I had a laparoscopy to definitively diagnose whether or not I had endometriosis. To say the least it cam back positive. As my doctor put it, she has not seen a case of worse endo. in her life. The team of surgeons tried to remove it all, however, were not able to because it had migrated to the area of my kidneys. Any attempt to remove this endo. could possibly cause permanent kidney damage. When my surgery had ended, the doctor called Will to let him know that our chances of conceiving a child had doubled - most of the endo. had been removed. This was the first thing Will told me when I woke up in recovery. I was ecstatic- there was actually hope. I always figured it would be my luck to go through this surgery and have them find nothing - luckily they were able to determine what had been going on with me.
I came back to my parents house to recover for the weekend. For one of the first times in my life I have not had to lift a finger, my mom and Will have been there to take care of every need. The recovery has been physically painful. They had to go through the belly button for the laparoscopy. They then found I had a cyst on each ovary and had to make incisions on my right and left abdomen. I have three areas of entry on my stomach. Recovery was going fairly well until yesterday morning, which is when Dr. Hirata called to follow up with me to see how I was recovering.
She started the conversation by reiterating the fact that my endometriosis was pretty severe. We talked about how she had told Will our chances have doubled. She said that was the case, however, not with the IUI treatments we had been doing. In my next post I will come back and discuss the two failed IUI's over the past couple of months. She then proceeded to tell me that if I really wanted to have a child - we would need to get moving full force ahead with doing In Vitro Fertilization (IVF.) I asked her why this was and was given the following explanation about my case:
Endometriosis is a disease that is only lessened or goes away when the following occurs; pregnancy, your on birth control or you have a hysterectomy. If one of those cases is not occurring, even though they just removed my endo., it will start growing back rapidly. In my case, I have it so severe, that time is of the essence. We do not have time to see if pregnancy happens naturally or if IUI's might take - we have to aggressively move forward.
In a way, this was quite the blow. On one note, I remain thankful that my chances have still increased, that they have determined what is wrong with me and that technology has benefited me by providing IVF and other Assisted Reproductive Technology methods (ART's.) On the other hand, all hope going forward is quite costly. IVF treatments are not guaranteed, if that doesn't work we could explore surrogacy or adoption which can cost upwards of three times the amount of one IVF treatment.
Today I have come face to face with the possibility of living life childless. How do people do it? Are nieces and nephews enough?? Am I being selfish for wanting a child of my own so deeply that it hurts? Should I be thankful for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life? Can my Grandma please let God know that I really am ready!!!
To my dear friends that do read this and have been reading this - thank you. I hope this sheds some insight into all the times I have not called or emailed back or been the friend or family member I should have been. This has taken quite the toll on me. I love you for all of the continual support I receive - I don't think there is anyone on earth that has a bigger or better support system than I do. This blog has been so therapeutic for me - I hope it sheds some insight into all of the things I have not been able to verbalize over the past year. I love you.
