Sunday, July 03, 2005
September, 2004 - Here we go again.
It was time to remove another non viable fetus from inside me. In a weird way, this time was much easier than the first. You somewhat mentally prepare yourself for this to happen.
We were given the same options, D&C or medicine to do the termination. Because I had heard so many horror stories of scar tissue building up from D&C's, I opted to use the medicine this time. The following day, I went back to Dr. Bui's office where she inserted cytotec inside of me. She sent me home with a prescription of vicodin.
All I can say is THANK GOD FOR VICODIN!! I have never been in such excrutiating pain in my life. I ended up taking 6 vicodin in four hours and finally passing out due to the pain. That night I told my family, thank God I had been through one miscarriage before doing this. There is nothing like being in such pain and seeing the remains of everything coming out of you. I know this is quite a gross thought, however, it is as real as real gets. I would only suggest going about termination this way if you have already had a D&C and if you can emotionally and physically handle the nonstop pain.
Finally it was over. I now no longer had my baby and I did not have my Grandma to cry to. I was literally a mess. Somebody in my family had been on Prozac for a while (I won't name names,) and always joked with me that if there were ever a candidate for Prozac that it was me. I was always one who thought people medicated too quickly in times of depression. Were people truly depressed? Wasn't there any other way to work around this than to self medicate? After about a week of seriously not being able to go even an hour without crying, my entire family suggested I talk to someone about my depression. I have never been so deeply sad - I hurt inside and I was so empty. I had lost almost everything that had meaning to me.
My new motto is THANK GOD FOR PROZAC!! I truly do not believe I would not be the person I am today without this. After a few weeks on the medicine, I felt like a new person. I was not crying anymore. I still felt the same sadness and emptiness, however, now I was able to deal with all of my emotions instead of continually crying. It was a true God send. I have only cried three times in the almost one year I have been on Prozac - once on Mothers Day, second was on the day of my last failed IUI and my last battle with tears was on a really awful day at work a few weeks ago! To me - this feels like an accomplishment! I was in a truly awful place prior to this time.
This is the point in my life where my "miscarriages" turned into "infertility." This was the first time we realized there might be problems having children. In my research, I had found that having two blighted ovum pregnancies was very uncommon. We weren't sure if this was something in Will or in myself that was causing this.
Dr. Bui finally was now able to refer us to an infertility doctor. My doctor, Dr. Hirata, is also an Endocrinologist which has been wonderful as well. Being referred over to Dr. Hirata opened a whole new world for Will and I, one that became filled with even more sadness and frustration than we ever imagined.
It was time to remove another non viable fetus from inside me. In a weird way, this time was much easier than the first. You somewhat mentally prepare yourself for this to happen.
We were given the same options, D&C or medicine to do the termination. Because I had heard so many horror stories of scar tissue building up from D&C's, I opted to use the medicine this time. The following day, I went back to Dr. Bui's office where she inserted cytotec inside of me. She sent me home with a prescription of vicodin.
All I can say is THANK GOD FOR VICODIN!! I have never been in such excrutiating pain in my life. I ended up taking 6 vicodin in four hours and finally passing out due to the pain. That night I told my family, thank God I had been through one miscarriage before doing this. There is nothing like being in such pain and seeing the remains of everything coming out of you. I know this is quite a gross thought, however, it is as real as real gets. I would only suggest going about termination this way if you have already had a D&C and if you can emotionally and physically handle the nonstop pain.
Finally it was over. I now no longer had my baby and I did not have my Grandma to cry to. I was literally a mess. Somebody in my family had been on Prozac for a while (I won't name names,) and always joked with me that if there were ever a candidate for Prozac that it was me. I was always one who thought people medicated too quickly in times of depression. Were people truly depressed? Wasn't there any other way to work around this than to self medicate? After about a week of seriously not being able to go even an hour without crying, my entire family suggested I talk to someone about my depression. I have never been so deeply sad - I hurt inside and I was so empty. I had lost almost everything that had meaning to me.
My new motto is THANK GOD FOR PROZAC!! I truly do not believe I would not be the person I am today without this. After a few weeks on the medicine, I felt like a new person. I was not crying anymore. I still felt the same sadness and emptiness, however, now I was able to deal with all of my emotions instead of continually crying. It was a true God send. I have only cried three times in the almost one year I have been on Prozac - once on Mothers Day, second was on the day of my last failed IUI and my last battle with tears was on a really awful day at work a few weeks ago! To me - this feels like an accomplishment! I was in a truly awful place prior to this time.
This is the point in my life where my "miscarriages" turned into "infertility." This was the first time we realized there might be problems having children. In my research, I had found that having two blighted ovum pregnancies was very uncommon. We weren't sure if this was something in Will or in myself that was causing this.
Dr. Bui finally was now able to refer us to an infertility doctor. My doctor, Dr. Hirata, is also an Endocrinologist which has been wonderful as well. Being referred over to Dr. Hirata opened a whole new world for Will and I, one that became filled with even more sadness and frustration than we ever imagined.
