Saturday, October 22, 2005
Untitled
I am dead inside. If I seem happy and OK on the outside - I am numb, dead and screaming with pain on the inside. I am so numb that I'm not feeling any emotion. To all my friends and family - I need to check out for a while. I am not usually the person who shuts down in times of crisis, however, I have completely shut down. Heads up - I don't feel like talking about this, things are not OK, I don't know when they will be OK again. I thank you for your continued support and prayers as always. The only person I want to talk to about this is the woman who has had two blighted ovum pregnancies, three failed IUI's, Stage 3 endometriosis and a failed IVF attempt. I have lost all hope.
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Shana, I know how you feel.... here's 3 miscarriages, 3 failed IUI, 3 failed IVF, and stage 3 endo, and at age 33... little bit of a theme. Unlucky number I guess. In any case, I know there's nothing anyone can say to console you. I hate it when people try. And at the same time I feel terrible that they feel terrible thinking and worrying about me. As much as you try to suppress the bad memories of the entire infertility experience, it's nearly impossible. It is hard not to think about it. It's always bouncing around somewhere inside of my head. And no matter how dark and deep that little corner is, there remains a hint of light, a glimpse of hope. I haven't given up yet.
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