My Struggle with Infertility & Endometriosis

I am going to be taking a break from blogging for a while. I am tired of writing and thinking about how I feel. I want to just move on with life and let whatever is going to be, be. Will and I have started jogging on the beach every night (which I love.) I want to hang out with my husband - I want to lead a simple life for a while. I want to excel at my career during the day and be the best Senior Financial Analyst ever and be a functioning non hormonal wife at night. I want to be able to party like a Rock Star in Vegas on Will's 30th birthday - which by the way is over Memorial Day Weekened next year if anyone has the desire to party like Rock Stars with us!! I want to not think about what time it is or what but cheek todays shot will be in. I want to enjoy my God Child and not worry about if he will or will not have a play mate in 9 months. I want to be able to drink a Corona with Chile Rellenos at La Mexicana. I want to be able to hop on a plane on a whim and go to some new place! I WANT TO GET RID OF THESE 38 DDD BOOBS!!!

So - I will send an email to all whenever I start writing again. Instead of saying a prayer for me, have a drink for me (doesn't have to be alcoholic!!) Cheers!!

It seems like in times of crisis, every song is speaking to you. While driving to Half Moon Bay yesterday, I heard a new Kelly Clarkson song - not the biggest KC fan but it just completely described how I was feeling..... Here is a good way to describe myself right now........

Behind These Hazel Eyes
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight
Everything it felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong

Now I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I amOnce again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny itCan’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I amOnce again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny itCan’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me outFor hating you,
I blame myselfJust seeing you it kills me now
No I don’t cryOn the outside anymore

I will be able to dance around my front room with my baby and listen to Etta James and these words will mean something amazing. I have always loved this song and I can't wait until the day when this dream of mine comes true........

Etta JamesAt Last

At last
My love has come along
My lonely days over
And life is like a song
Ooh, at last
The skies above are blue
Well my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream
That I could speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill
To press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Well
You smile
you smile
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine at last

I am dead inside. If I seem happy and OK on the outside - I am numb, dead and screaming with pain on the inside. I am so numb that I'm not feeling any emotion. To all my friends and family - I need to check out for a while. I am not usually the person who shuts down in times of crisis, however, I have completely shut down. Heads up - I don't feel like talking about this, things are not OK, I don't know when they will be OK again. I thank you for your continued support and prayers as always. The only person I want to talk to about this is the woman who has had two blighted ovum pregnancies, three failed IUI's, Stage 3 endometriosis and a failed IVF attempt. I have lost all hope.

Don't feel like talking - more later.

Just got an email from my nurse that they should know by 3--- that is 7 full hours I will have had to wait. Thank God for the DMV - that kept me busy for a while this morning. I am going crazy!!!

Came home from work again today and crashed. I have been the biggest slacker of a wife this past week. One night Will had chocolate chip cookies for dinner (I actually had energy to bake cookies one night I guess.) Then tonight I woke up to the smell of burning butter - he was trying to make a quesedilla.
Tomorrow is starting to consume me - for the first time in two weeks. I am feeling extremely emotional like I am about to burst into tears at any moment. What if this hasn't worked? I have been trying to pray and stay so positive and it is becoming increasingly difficult as tomorrow comes.
I am off to try and figure out how to get through the next 12 hours. Then once I have the test the waiting game for the phone call begins. Pray for us.......

Actually, I have really not been thinking too much about Friday and this week at work has flown by - thank God!
I spoke to my nurse at UCSF today about the schedule if I find out I am pregnant. She confirmed on Friday I would be aprox. 5 1/2 weeks along. At 6 1/2 weeks they will do an ultrasound to see how many babies there are and if there are heartbeats. Then at 8 weeks back to UCSF for another ultrasound and at 10 weeks I can be released to see my usual OBGYN. I hope we make it that far!
I found $20 at the ATM machine when I went to get cash tonight - I am taking that as a good luck sign. Maybe God doesn't want me to stress about money, thus the $20 ??
I am tired tonight but not as tired as last night - I crashed the moment I walked in the door. I think I will be able to make it to my usual 8pm!! Will made dinner tonight - pork chops and yummy spanish rice - it was nice to have that taken care of.
Off to finish up working for the evening - I'll be in touch!

If you happen to be looking for me on Friday and I can't be found - try the airport - the next flight to Bonaire. Will and I decided if this try doesn't work, we are taking a break and planning a vacation. So - if we can't be reached, ask the Bonaire locals to check every dock in the middle of the ocean - we will probably be parked there!! It is a nice dream.... :)

Since so many people have asked how I am feeling lately, I thought I would update the blog.
I am feeling fine - totally normal. Tired (but I love my naps,) a few waves of pukiness (is that a word?? But that could be the hormones.)
I know this week will be the longest week of my life - thank God there is lots going on.... I am trying to get myself into that "whatever happens" mindset, although, I really hope this has worked.
If I am pregnant, I am currently 4 weeks pregnant. Wednesday I will move into my 5th week of pregnancy. I know it all is a little odd - seems further than it should be. Here are pictures of what my babies might look like right now - The first picture is a 4 week fetus and the second is a 5 week:

I will keep you posted on my emotional progress this week - I am sure it is bound to be like a roller coaster!