My Struggle with Infertility & Endometriosis

I am going to be taking a break from blogging for a while. I am tired of writing and thinking about how I feel. I want to just move on with life and let whatever is going to be, be. Will and I have started jogging on the beach every night (which I love.) I want to hang out with my husband - I want to lead a simple life for a while. I want to excel at my career during the day and be the best Senior Financial Analyst ever and be a functioning non hormonal wife at night. I want to be able to party like a Rock Star in Vegas on Will's 30th birthday - which by the way is over Memorial Day Weekened next year if anyone has the desire to party like Rock Stars with us!! I want to not think about what time it is or what but cheek todays shot will be in. I want to enjoy my God Child and not worry about if he will or will not have a play mate in 9 months. I want to be able to drink a Corona with Chile Rellenos at La Mexicana. I want to be able to hop on a plane on a whim and go to some new place! I WANT TO GET RID OF THESE 38 DDD BOOBS!!!

So - I will send an email to all whenever I start writing again. Instead of saying a prayer for me, have a drink for me (doesn't have to be alcoholic!!) Cheers!!

It seems like in times of crisis, every song is speaking to you. While driving to Half Moon Bay yesterday, I heard a new Kelly Clarkson song - not the biggest KC fan but it just completely described how I was feeling..... Here is a good way to describe myself right now........

Behind These Hazel Eyes
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight
Everything it felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong

Now I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I amOnce again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny itCan’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I amOnce again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny itCan’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me outFor hating you,
I blame myselfJust seeing you it kills me now
No I don’t cryOn the outside anymore

I will be able to dance around my front room with my baby and listen to Etta James and these words will mean something amazing. I have always loved this song and I can't wait until the day when this dream of mine comes true........

Etta JamesAt Last

At last
My love has come along
My lonely days over
And life is like a song
Ooh, at last
The skies above are blue
Well my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream
That I could speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill
To press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Well
You smile
you smile
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine at last

I am dead inside. If I seem happy and OK on the outside - I am numb, dead and screaming with pain on the inside. I am so numb that I'm not feeling any emotion. To all my friends and family - I need to check out for a while. I am not usually the person who shuts down in times of crisis, however, I have completely shut down. Heads up - I don't feel like talking about this, things are not OK, I don't know when they will be OK again. I thank you for your continued support and prayers as always. The only person I want to talk to about this is the woman who has had two blighted ovum pregnancies, three failed IUI's, Stage 3 endometriosis and a failed IVF attempt. I have lost all hope.

Don't feel like talking - more later.

Just got an email from my nurse that they should know by 3--- that is 7 full hours I will have had to wait. Thank God for the DMV - that kept me busy for a while this morning. I am going crazy!!!

Came home from work again today and crashed. I have been the biggest slacker of a wife this past week. One night Will had chocolate chip cookies for dinner (I actually had energy to bake cookies one night I guess.) Then tonight I woke up to the smell of burning butter - he was trying to make a quesedilla.
Tomorrow is starting to consume me - for the first time in two weeks. I am feeling extremely emotional like I am about to burst into tears at any moment. What if this hasn't worked? I have been trying to pray and stay so positive and it is becoming increasingly difficult as tomorrow comes.
I am off to try and figure out how to get through the next 12 hours. Then once I have the test the waiting game for the phone call begins. Pray for us.......

Actually, I have really not been thinking too much about Friday and this week at work has flown by - thank God!
I spoke to my nurse at UCSF today about the schedule if I find out I am pregnant. She confirmed on Friday I would be aprox. 5 1/2 weeks along. At 6 1/2 weeks they will do an ultrasound to see how many babies there are and if there are heartbeats. Then at 8 weeks back to UCSF for another ultrasound and at 10 weeks I can be released to see my usual OBGYN. I hope we make it that far!
I found $20 at the ATM machine when I went to get cash tonight - I am taking that as a good luck sign. Maybe God doesn't want me to stress about money, thus the $20 ??
I am tired tonight but not as tired as last night - I crashed the moment I walked in the door. I think I will be able to make it to my usual 8pm!! Will made dinner tonight - pork chops and yummy spanish rice - it was nice to have that taken care of.
Off to finish up working for the evening - I'll be in touch!

If you happen to be looking for me on Friday and I can't be found - try the airport - the next flight to Bonaire. Will and I decided if this try doesn't work, we are taking a break and planning a vacation. So - if we can't be reached, ask the Bonaire locals to check every dock in the middle of the ocean - we will probably be parked there!! It is a nice dream.... :)

Since so many people have asked how I am feeling lately, I thought I would update the blog.
I am feeling fine - totally normal. Tired (but I love my naps,) a few waves of pukiness (is that a word?? But that could be the hormones.)
I know this week will be the longest week of my life - thank God there is lots going on.... I am trying to get myself into that "whatever happens" mindset, although, I really hope this has worked.
If I am pregnant, I am currently 4 weeks pregnant. Wednesday I will move into my 5th week of pregnancy. I know it all is a little odd - seems further than it should be. Here are pictures of what my babies might look like right now - The first picture is a 4 week fetus and the second is a 5 week:

I will keep you posted on my emotional progress this week - I am sure it is bound to be like a roller coaster!

I have to confess, this week at work my friend Scott told me about this new show on Friday nights called Three Wishes. He said he watched it last week by himself and sobbed.
Will is out tonight and I am here hanging out by myself - I just so happened to be on NBC and Three Wishes came on. I am sitting here sobbing. It is the most beautiful show. Even watching the first 15 minutes has put me in my place - I'm not going to feel sorry for myself, I am going to TRY and not worry about what tomorrow holds.

If you have a free Friday night or a Tivo, watch this show, it is wonderful!

I'm having a rough night - what if this doesn't work?? I am trying so hard to stay positive but it is so difficult. How will I cope if this doesn't work? I feel numb inside just thinking about the possibility. I'm so scared.

Per my post yesterday, I said I would upload a picture of the JuJu that Katia made me.

Here is clarification on exactly what Ju-Ju is :

Juju (sometimes spelled ju-ju) originated in West Africa, and, specifically--as far as there can be any specificity--Nigeria. It is defined as 'any object that is worshiped superstitiously and used as an amulet or fetish'. Just as important is the magical power attributed to this object and, often, a ban or taboo effected by it. The Dictionary of Folklore, Mythology, and Legend says that juju is "the spirit dwelling within a made object or fetish, in the belief of the Ibo of the lower Niger. The term is applied generically to the ghosts and evil spirits of Southern Nigeria." (You will see later that there is disagreement here.) Actually, I found it difficult to find out much about juju at all. As one scholar told me, "I'm not surprised. A lot of the ceremony around juju was probably secret." Though voodoo also emerged from West Africa, it's not related etymologically--despite the similarity of reduplication and like-sounding syllables--to juju. Voodoo, however, obviously made the transition to the New World (via slavery) much more successfully.
The object used as a fetish for juju can be almost anything. In her 1894 Autobiography, a certain Amanda Smith wrote of her African visit: "The first thing we saw on entering was a large ju-ju, the head of an elephant." Three years later, Mary Kingsley, in her book Travels in West Africa wrote: "The extinguisher-shaped juju filled with medicine and made of iron is against drowning--the red juju is 'for keep foot in path'."
Scholars don't agree about the origin of the word juju. In fact, they're all over the place. Two sources I consulted (one of which is the OED) say that the word derives from the French word joujou, which means 'toy, plaything'. Our own Random House Webster's Unabridged Dictionary says that juju is a Hausa word meaning 'fetish'. I consulted Dr. Roxana Ma Newman, Assistant Dean, Office of International Programs at Indiana University's Department of Linguistics, and the author of An English-Hausa Dictionary, (Yale, 1990). She informed me that Hausa is the language spoken by the Hausa people in Northern Nigeria. It's also spoken by millions of other Africans (some 40,000,000 in all) as a language of commerce, because the Hausa have always been great traders. Although Dr. Newman confirmed that juju means 'fetish', she quickly added, "It doesn't look like a Hausa word to me." Her feeling is that it's probably a borrowed word. Her colleague at Indiana, Dr. Robert Botne, a specialist in Bantu languages, has little regard for the idea that juju derived from the French joujou. "I just can't believe it made that great a leap," he said, referring to the words' vastly different meanings.
Clarence Major's Juba to Jive: A Dictionary of African-American Slang says that ju ju, as he spells it, is from the Bantu word njiu, which means both 'danger' and a 'fetish against harm'. Bantu is not, however, a single language. It is a very large language group, which includes Swahili and Zulu. The Bantu languages are spoken in central and southern Africa. This is not in line with the ealier assertion that the word orginates with the Ibo, a people who live in southeastern Nigeria. They speak a language of the same name, but it's not part of the Bantu group.
Confused? Just wait.
Further complicating this already complicated story is juju music. Emerging from the West African Yoruba culture in the 1930s, its first real star was Tunde King. In the 1950s, I. K. Dairo added electric guitars to a music that already consisted of banjos, shakers and hand drums. Today, juju music's most famous star is Nigeria's King Sunny Ade, called the "Minister of Enjoyment." If you have the right software, you can listen to some selections from one of his most famous albums, Juju Music. As far as I can tell, though, juju music and juju magic are not related--at least not directly. (Please, let me hear from anyone who can enlighten me.) In fact, one web source says that "ju" in the Yoruba language means 'toss, throw'. And "the action of tossing the tambourine up and catching it and the duplication of the word 'ju' gave juju music its name."

So as I stated in my earlier post - I am looking for help, prayer etc. from any race, religion etc. etc. Hopefully all have learned something new - I sure did!

I am so proud of my husband! He accepted a job today with eBay. His title will be Global Environmental Health & Safety Coordinator. I am SOOOO excited for him!! I think the corporate world and the position will be a great fit for him. And I can't wait for all of those big business trips so I can tag along!

I hope this is the start of good luck for us--- we sure need it!

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it because I am infertile that I find this insane?!?!
My prayer tonight.....

Dear God,
Please grant me the fertility you have blessed dear Jim Bob and his wife with.

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?!?!?!?

So I am back to the daily grind....... Back in the office..... It's going OK though -glad to be back - I was starting to go stir crazy at home....

I have been thinking a lot about good luck items, prayers, superstitions etc. etc. I am trying to cover all bases. I say my prayers daily, I have a Virgin Mary candle lit at almost all times in my house, I have the Guatemalan Fertility God. Also - last night Katia (a friend at work) made me a Ju Ju..... I guess it is an African symbol of luck etc.... She drew it, colored it etc. and it is beautiful. She has some finishing touches to do - once it is complete I will post it up here.

I have put a copy of the picture of my embryos at my desk - everytime I look at them it reminds me to stay calm and stress free. It is so awful what infertility does to a woman though. I feel like I can't be hopeful or excited about any of this. I also feel like even having the picture at my desk might be going too far - maybe I shouldn't even be looking at these. I have to constantly think of my every move - can't lift anything heavy, I am staying away from stairs, what I eat, taking my shots and vitamins etc. etc. It will be nice when hopefully one day this ends.

Possible good sign - my bosses wife's best friend has been going through IVF pretty much at the same time I have. She just found out last night she was pregnant. I think they implanted two embryos.

So - that is all the random thoughts for now. Keep them prayers coming!!

Today was the biggest day yet. We were told to check in at UCSF at 11:45am. I started drinking my 32oz. of water at 11am .......... By 11:30 I had finished my water and had taken a valium. We checked in and went up to the surgery area. They were running a little behind so we sat and waited about 10 minutes. I had to go to the bathroom SO bad the entire time. Finally, when it got to the point that I started cramping so bad that I couldn't walk, I had Will run and get one of the nurses. She let me empty my bladder just a little - 5 minutes later I had to go again. It was awful!! Luckily, I had drank so much water that when we went in for the embryo transfer, my bladder was still full!

We met with the doctor who went over how are embryos were looking three days later. She said we had two that were perfect - they had divided 8 times, no fragmentation etc. She said they were top of the line embryos. We decided to implant those two. Here are our two babies:

We were informed that we have three embryos that were worth freezing. It is amazing how all of this works. Here is what our week has been like:

-Started out with 18 eggs

- Of the 18, 6 were not fully developed, brought us down to 12 viable eggs

- Performed ICSI on all 12 (inserted a sperm into each egg,) 10 fertilized

- Those 10 have been growing for the past three days, out of the ten two grew perfectly and three grew so/so and were worth freezing.

Started out with 18 and ended up with 5!!!! That is just amazing! So we have three on ice for the next round if need be.

Here is a picture of the embryos in my uterus after they did the transfer:

So I am now a permanent fixture of my bed. I will be laying here flat for the next four days. If implantation occurs, it will happen in the first three days. Hopefully both are implanting - it would be nice to get this over with in one shot.

October 21st is the big day when we find out if this worked or not - I go in at 8:30am for the blood test and should know by 9:30am. Keep us in your prayers!!

Yesterday, October 7th, was mine and Will's 5th wedding anniversary. We stayed at the most AMAZING place last night in Half Moon Bay - The Cypress Inn (you can click on the link in the title of this blog to be taken to their web site.) Our room was beautiful, right on the ocean. It is like a hotel but with all the comforts of a bed and breakfast. The most amazing breakfast this morning, french toast - the works. Every night at 5pm they have wine and appetizers. Then at 7pm they put out dessert for the evening. All of this is included with the price of your room. I cannot rave about this place enough. We walked around Half Moon Bay. I got a 90 minute massage in preparation for my treatment today. They have an on site massage therapist who has the most amazing massage rates. We finished the evening at the Miramar Beach Restaurant in an oceanview table. To our surprise, when we got the bill, my parents had called ahead and paid as an anniversary gift. We were shocked! In honor of our wonderful day, I have attached a few pictures, enjoy!!

Talk about feeling like a chicken.... Sorry this info. might be repeat for some I emailed today...
Got the call from the nurse at UCSF…….. They collected 18 eggs yesterday. Out of the 18, 12 were mature (the other 6 that were not matured are basically thrown out.)
With the 12 they did the ICSI procedure and put a sperm into each egg. Out of those 12, 10 fertilized over night. This is about an 80% fertilization success rate, they said the average is usually about 60%.
So – now those 10 are in the incubator and are growing / dividing etc.
Will and I meet with the doctor on Saturday at noon to get the final report on our embryos, finalize how many we are going to transfer and then freeze the rest! I’m hoping if we transfer two embryos I will have enough frozen to do at least two more rounds of this (if needed.)

Sidenote - the chicken picture above is from some website that sells "crochet crafts" to fit over "Renuzit Air Fresheners." God help me if I ever get so bored in my life!! I'll keep all posted on the further developments!

Today I went through egg retrieval. We ended up with 18 eggs! All of the doctors and nurses were quite impressed! Prior to going into surgery I started feeling crampy and am actually still felling that way tonight. I'm not sure if it is gas crampy or if it is the fact that instead of ovulating one egg today, I ovulated 18. Since I am tired & crampy , I am going to keep this short. I'll be in touch!

For all who care ---- here is my schedule for the next two weeks:

Monday 10/3 - Final ultrasound tomorrow morning. I have one follicle that they are trying to get to catch up in size with the rest - being a little stinker. Part of me says lets go ahead without that one - the other part of me says maybe that's my baby (or one of them!!!) Nurse will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me what time to "trigger" myself. Meaning - what time to give myself my HCG injection.

Tuesday 10/4 - Will has to take cipro at bedtime. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight.

Wednesday 10/5 - BIG DAY!! Egg retrieval happens - this is an outpatient surgery at UCSF. While I am in surgery, Will makes his sperm donation. As soon as they have all the eggs and sperm, into the petri dish they go. I start some medicine called Medrol for 5 days. Will be resting for one - two days after this.

Thursday 10/6 - ANOTHER BIG DAY!! On this day we will get the fertilization report from the RN. This is when they tell you how many viable embryos you have and how all of your embryos are looking. You would hate to get to this point and not have any good embryos.

Friday 10/7 - Our 5 year wedding anniversary - start Progesterone injections (in the you know where.)

Saturday 10/8 - THE BIGGEST DAY!!! TRANSFER DAY!!!!! Take a valium and drink 32 oz. of water right before. From what I've been told, they put a catheter in you and you watch the whole thing on the ultrasound machine. They transfer the embryos through the catheter and you see a little "poof" on the screen each time one goes in. I am planning on laying flat for four days after this procedure. No work - Nothing!

Sunday 10/9 - Thursday 10/20 - Continue Progesterone injections and take Estradiol twice daily.

Friday 10/21 - PREGNANCY TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 21st seems like a lifetime away. Please friends, relatives, whomever KEEP ME BUSY!!

I'll keep you posted as the week progresses - please keep us in your prayers!