My Struggle with Infertility & Endometriosis

Thanks to my friend Stacey - she reminded me that I have not written in weeks. The past couple of weeks have been fairly uneventful on the fertility front.

I have the final draft of the dear birthmother letter from the PR lady---- after reading through it there are a few final changes Will and I wanted to make. Hopefully I will be able to post it this week. Our next step is for each of us to answer the 40 questions each that are required as part of the adoption process. We have decided that we are going to bullet point the answers and Carroll Anne, the PR lady, is going to write them up into beautiful responses!

This week we are staring our third IUI treatment - I keep thinking to myself maybe third time is a charm! Shots and daily doctor appointments began today, the actual insemination should be sometime the week of 8/8. This means I will probably find out whether or not it took right around my birthday - 8/25......... I am not expecting much out of this - the only reason we are really doing it is because my insurance fully covers it.

Not to get too graphic but my first "cycle" since surgery began.... I haven't had to break down and take any vicodin yet or miss any work so I guess it is a little better, however, it is still awfully painful.

My first appointment with the Colorado IVF clinic is this Thursday at 9:30am - this is done over the phone with the potential doctor who will do the procedure. I am very excited about this.....

So I will keep writing this week - sorry there is not more here - just a little crampy!!!

I just met with the PR lady who is writing our Dear Birthmother letter - she completely lifted my spirits!! I was so worried about sounding inadequate in this letter. She has taken our lives and made it sound absolutely amazing. I am thrilled! I should have the final version in the next day or so - as soon as I do I will post it onto this blog.

For anyone who knows a woman suffering from infertility, miscarriages etc., I have found the best book known to man! It is called "A Few Good Eggs" and every woman out there should read it. The book was written by two women; one had primary infertility and the other had secondary infertility. It is so accurate and has great information - I highly recommend it!

Funny thing happened this morning - I puked my guts out all the way to work. It could possibly be the antibiotics they still have me on from my surgery. Today at work I decided to do some Shana investigation on these pills I have been taking, low and behold doxycycline is the same thing they give people that have ANTHRAX!!!!!! Maybe that is why I am not feeling well?!?!?!?

That is all that is new on the homefront - August 4th is my Colorado appointment. I am going to meet with Kaiser IVF in the next few weeks. I'll be in touch with the "Dear Birthmother" letter hopefully tomorrow!

It is a sad, sad day........

As much as I love my job and cannot imagine ever staying home full time - I am back at work today! I already feel like I need a day off! I am exhausted!!!

Sorry nothing deep has been written lately - and there definitely won't be anything tonight. I'm going home and going to bed!!!

Today I hired a local PR woman to write our "Dear Birthmother" letter. This is required for any adoption that is done - it introduces the couple wanting a child to the Birthmother. There are TONS of internet sites with "Dear Birthmother" letters from couples wanting to adopt.

So Carol (the PR woman) could better understand her task at hand, I pulled several sample copies from the internet. As I sat here and read letter after letter, I began feeling inadequate and wondering, why would someone want to have us adopt their child.

Now - I am not looking for a let's build up Shana's esteem. I am being completely real here. Many of these couples wanting children live in 5000 square foot homes, have two master degrees, work as CFO of their company and have 5 acres of land for their children to play on.

Will and I live in a 900 square foot condo, have a basic educational background and make a decent income, however, we are not rich by any means. Will is in school and I work full time and have no plans of being a stay at home mom. I forgot to mention - many of these "Dear Birthmother" letters emphasize the fact of the mother being a stay at home mom.

So - with all that said - why would Jane Smith who is trying to give her child the best upbringing possible chose Will and I?

Maybe it isn't a hopeless situation, however, I am feeling slightly hopeless today. I hope the adoption process goes smoother than the fertility treatment process - I am not sure if I can take another couple years of unpredictableness.

In an effort to bring more awareness to this disease (which I still can't fully comprehend,) I found some yes/ no questions that determine whether or not you or someone you know are at risk for having endometriosis. Please read through and think about yourself and anyone you may know or love - they could be at risk.


If you can answer Yes to any of the following questions, you could be at risk:

Do you experience so much pain during or around your period that you find yourself unable to work, attend school or social functions, or go about your normal routine?

Do you have any relatives that have been diagnosed with Endometriosis?

Do you find yourself with painful abdominal bloating, swelling or tenderness at any time in your cycle?

Do you have a history of painful ovarian endometriomas ("chocolate cysts")?

Do you have a history of miscarriage, infertility or ectopic pregnancy?

Do you experience gastrointestinal symptoms during your cycle, such as nausea or vomiting and/or painful abdominal cramping accompanied by diarrhea and/or constipation?

Do you have a history of fatigue and/or a lowered immunity (i.e., "sick and tired" all the time)?

Do you have a history of allergies, which tend to worsen around your periods?

If you are sexually active, do you experience pain during sexual activity?

Do you suffer from any other autoimmune diseases (i.e., thyroid disease, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, fibromyalgia, or multiple sclerosis)?

Have you ever undergone pelvic surgery like a laparoscopy, in which Endometriosis was suspected but not definitively diagnosed?

I realize some of this is graphic, however, many of these symptoms are what myself and other women with endometriosis suffer through on a monthly basis. If you or anyone you know thinks they might be suffering from this, I would be more than happy to talk to them.

I have to start by saying that this whole fertility thing is time consuming! It is like a full time job in itself. Between researching IVF clinics, researching endometriosis, doctors appointments, adoption agencies, paper work and more paper work - I don't know how I am ever going to go back to work!

Went to see Dr. Hirata (my fertility doctor) today. I just love her. She is so honest about absolutely everything. She reiterated the fact that the whole operating room almost passed out when they saw how much endo. was inside of me - she said they felt my pain which made me feel like I have not been a hypochondriac all these years..... We are going to go ahead and try another IUI in the next couple of weeks.

I kinda skipped over the whole IUI thing, however, I have had two failed IUI attempts in the last aprox. 6 months +/-.

Dr. Hirata confirmed that there is no doubt in her mind that my two miscarriages were linked to my endo. And finally, she reiterated the need for speed in moving forward ASAP with IVF treatments.

I told her about Dr. Surrey in Colorado and he happens to be a good friend of hers. She said if I can get into the study that it would be with the best of the best. That made me feel great. She only had one word of caution~~~~~

The whole study in CO is based upon the issue of Lupron. From what I understand they give you Lupron and Gonadatropins prior to IVF to get your eggs ready. This is a typical process. Dr. Hirata is worried that the study might entail Lupron only for several months prior to an IVF treatment. If this is the case, she said the study would not benefit me because it would be prolonging the time to IVF.

My first appointment with CO / Dr. Surrey is scheduled via telephone for August 4th. We will know more at that time. Dr. Hirata also talked to me about Kaisers IVF program and cost etc. They recently just got someone who used to be the head of UCSF IVF program. If I did IVF through Kaiser it would be a combo of Dr. Hirata and this new UCSF woman. Part of me feels very comfortable with that if CO does not work out - being with my doctor etc.

My final question to Dr. Hirata today was asking how likely she thought I was to have a biological child. Her response was "I think it will happen, I think it will only happen through IVF and I think you need to get on it right away." She also confirmed at some point I will have to have a hysterectomy.

So - in a nutshell that was my day. But back to my original thought of being so blessed. At so many points today I thought of various things I am thankful for. I would like to share with all - they are listed in no particular order:

• I am thankful for my husband - anyone else would have left me by now!! j/k
• I am thankful for my wonderful family - I don't think there is any family out there quite like us!
• I am thankful for my dear sister Colleen, that we have found friendship in our adulthood, and her significant other Chris Wagner who keeps her grounded.
• I am thankful for my faith and the wonderful group of women in my life who help me grow and support my spirit on a daily basis.
• I am thankful for technology, researchers, doctors and scientists who have allowed me the option of IUI & IVF.
• I am thankful for all my wonderful friends and all of their wonderful babies (and babies on the way.) This helps me get through my day tremendously!
• I am thankful for my job at a wonderful company and the privilege to be led daily by such a great person.
• Finally, I am thankful for my health. I have endometriosis which is not life ending. I can make it through this.

Once in a while I need to sit down and remember all the great things in my world and everything I have to be thankful for. This is the abbreviated version, however, these are the most impactful items in my life right now.

It is amazing what comes out and what people talk about in times of crisis.
Some friends you have known for months, others you have known for years. Whatever the case is, there is always something new to find out about people.
When you think you are the only one who has gone through something, you find out that a person close to you knows all too well what you are going through.
It's amazing to me that we live in an existence where there is so much to learn about the people closest to you. It's also amazing that life brings people close to you, sometimes you don't fully know why it is, until a time of crisis.

I hope this all makes sense - bottom line (and you know I am a bottom line type of person,) is let's just talk and always keep it real. Love eachother and truly understand people for who they were in their past, who they are now and who they want to become.

In honor of their one year anniversary, I thought I would pay homage to them on my little blog. I love you both and wish nothing but a lifetime of happiness for you......

Here are the dreams last night. I am still trying to determine where this stuff comes from - absolutely no clue - they are BIZARRE!! Here are bits and pieces:

• One dream last night I was at a huge conference for WSI. I had spent a couple days at this conference and needed to change. I went to my closet and all I had was shirts, no pants. I had to find a longer shirt and walk through the whole conference, on the other side of the conference hall to find my pants. Everyone was looking at me like what the heck is this girl doing............
• Next dream was my family was in LA and I was supposed to be meeting them there on Sunset Blvd. I got lost and ended up on Rebecca Romijn Street (Yes - John Stamos' ex wife.) As I was walking around RR I stopped to ask someone for directions and it ended up being my Uncle Dave who was filming a commercial for Capital One. I interrupted the filming.

I told you - crazy dreams! More later - BTW I am still on cloud 9 about Colorado.....

You would think by this point, I really wouldn't get my hopes up about things. Why am I so excited???

Take a look at this website -http://www.child.com/moms_dads/parenthood_issues/fertility_centers.jsp?page=4
I am having a consultation with Dr. Surrey in August. The number 1 doctor at the number 1 IVF clinic in America!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!

So if it doesn't work I will feel better that I went to the best person out there. And to top all of this excitement off, they are 90% positive that I qualify for a study they are doing right now on IVF & women with endo. I get $1K off my IVF treatment, all medication for free and a free endometrial biopsy (that biopsy sold the deal right there j/k!!) This is like a $4K savings and let me reiterate -

FROM THE #1 DOCTOR AT THE #1 IVF CLINIC IN AMERICA!

Can you stand it???!!! More to come..........

Why does this postcard from the Anonymous Blogger postcard site make me literally crack up every time I see it?? It is kinda warped yet still pretty funny at the same time! I know this is WAY off the fertility subject but maybe it is time to explore other areas in this blog.......We shall wait and see.

How could I go to bed without talking about this?

If Will and I were to adopt - I think we would have to really explore the height factor in the biological parents. With our luck, our child would be the offspring of the two tallest people in America. Big red flag for the rest of our life when our child is towering over us. Don't think I want that to happen.

As you can see - not too much progress with the upgrade of the blog this evening. I have spent just about the entire night trying to figure out how to write html code (or whatever it is) to get my links up. As you can see I have figured out how to put a title - I guess it's not so bad after all!

I think if you click on the title link that I placed above it will take you to another blog that is quite unusual (as stated before I am still trying to figure out this blog thing.) People send anonymous postcards of secrets they have kept their entire life. It got me thinking about what I might write on an "Anonymous Blog Postcard." Not sure - maybe you will "Anonymously" see my "Anonymous" secret on this site! But take a look - it looks a little weird at first, however, when you really think about it there are some crazy people out there! Also - you know everyone has that one secret they have never shared with anyone..... I wonder what mine would be?

I might explore my dreams in this blog - I have to say that Prozac makes you have some crazy dreams. I'll keep you posted!

So much to write today - I have finally come out of self pitty mode!

One goal of this week off is to figure out this whole blog thing. I have been reading peoples blogs all day and some of them are just so crafty! There are links to other blogs etc. etc. That will be my mission for this evening - pretty up my blog! I came across some funny sites today that I would love to share with everyone. There are some strange people out there! There are also infertile couples - what a concept!!!!

I stayed up late last night, as you can tell by the previous post. I researched everything I could possibly find about adoption. Here is my thinking - we can't afford to do a lifetime of IVF treatments. For shits & giggles - let's say that one takes and at some point I have a child. Do I honestly think we can afford to go through this time after time - also putting $ aside - can my body handle much more?? So - if we start the adoption process, then worst case scenario when / if an IVF treatment takes I would be blessed with two children. Doesn't sound like such a bad thing. Will is nervous about having two babies a month apart - and I hear my mother right now saying "Like - Yeah!!" But to me - the more the merrier!!

Will has always been completely open to adoption. I have been the more hesitant one. In keeping with the brutal honesty of this blog, I have always known I could love an adopted child, however, I worried if I would ever be able to love the child completely. I took two steps back last night and thought about a great friend of mine (I'll keep his name anonymous,) who has two adopted daughters. Those girls are his girls - even when I see them they light up my life. When I get that feeling with children who aren't even mine, I can't imagine not being able to completely love a child that was adopted.

My one adoption criteria has always been finding a mother who was pregnant and hooking up with her when the baby was in utero. Last night I took a step back and assessed what my need really was. Is my need to be pregnant or is my need to have a child from day 1 and raise and love that child? Yes, if I was not able to carry my child I would be sad, I won't lie however, I would rather not have that and adopt than have nothing in my life. That is the decision I came to. So at 6:16am this morning - I happily told my husband that maybe I would never have saggy boobs after all!!! I was quickly informed that I haven't had the perkiest boobs out there for quite sometime. Burst my little bubble!

After my research last night - there are SOOOOOOOOOO many women right here in America wanting to give up their children. Our adoption dilemma at the moment is an open or closed adoption. Some women want pictures every year and other woman make you sign a waiver that you will never live in the same state as the biological mother. I feel I want my child to know they were adopted etc. but yearly pictures - maybe to extreme for me..... I haven't evaluated that topic yet!

Another lucky thing happened this morning, Child magazine came out with their comprehensive results on IVF treatment centers in America. Yes, Virgo Shana, has contacted three of the top 5 for appointments already! Number one is in Colorado, another is in Reno and another in Portland. Who knew the Great State would come through for us infertile folk!! The center in Colorado has a 60% live birth success rate for clients of my age - this is compared to the national average of 38%. As I told Will - it's like getting two IVF treatments in one!! They are also currently doing a study of women suffering from endo. who are considering going through IVF. They discount the IVF fee and give you your $3K aprox. in medication for free. What more could you ask for?!!

So - as Will and I talked through adoption at 6:16am he said - the one good thing was we could pick the sex. At first I thought how awful!!! My next thought was why not - if it takes a year longer to get a newborn boy then why not......... BTW - all you boy mommies out there - yes your clothes will be coming to me!

So - today there is light at the end of the tunnel. The path is becoming more clear.

A couple final thoughts. In every blog I read today no matter what the subject, there was mention of Tom Cruise. Here is my two cents on him (which is in line with the rest of America I found out.) GO AWAY TOM CRUISE!! America is sick of you, you are immature, don't know anything about depression and came out with a stupid Sci Fi flick. You and Brad Pitt need to move to a deserted island somewhere! GO AWAY!!

Finally, a beautiful quote that my dear friend Diane emailed to me today by the Dali Lama:

"If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry." His Holiness the Dali Lama

There will be more random thoughts to come - plus blog upgrades - brace yourself!

I just came across this website and couldn't help but put it onto the blog - it is absolutlely amazing.
Just when you feel like nobody has ever gone through what you have gone through.
I hope you enjoy.

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html

For the past seven years, I have spent every 4th of July in Las Vegas. Not this year - instead I am recovering from laparoscopic surgery.

I know I am jumping around a little. Last post I left off when I was referred to Dr. Hirata. I will come full circle back to that point in the next blog. After 3 days of recovering and thinking I felt compelled to skip ahead to where I am out now.

On Friday I had a laparoscopy to definitively diagnose whether or not I had endometriosis. To say the least it cam back positive. As my doctor put it, she has not seen a case of worse endo. in her life. The team of surgeons tried to remove it all, however, were not able to because it had migrated to the area of my kidneys. Any attempt to remove this endo. could possibly cause permanent kidney damage. When my surgery had ended, the doctor called Will to let him know that our chances of conceiving a child had doubled - most of the endo. had been removed. This was the first thing Will told me when I woke up in recovery. I was ecstatic- there was actually hope. I always figured it would be my luck to go through this surgery and have them find nothing - luckily they were able to determine what had been going on with me.

I came back to my parents house to recover for the weekend. For one of the first times in my life I have not had to lift a finger, my mom and Will have been there to take care of every need. The recovery has been physically painful. They had to go through the belly button for the laparoscopy. They then found I had a cyst on each ovary and had to make incisions on my right and left abdomen. I have three areas of entry on my stomach. Recovery was going fairly well until yesterday morning, which is when Dr. Hirata called to follow up with me to see how I was recovering.

She started the conversation by reiterating the fact that my endometriosis was pretty severe. We talked about how she had told Will our chances have doubled. She said that was the case, however, not with the IUI treatments we had been doing. In my next post I will come back and discuss the two failed IUI's over the past couple of months. She then proceeded to tell me that if I really wanted to have a child - we would need to get moving full force ahead with doing In Vitro Fertilization (IVF.) I asked her why this was and was given the following explanation about my case:

Endometriosis is a disease that is only lessened or goes away when the following occurs; pregnancy, your on birth control or you have a hysterectomy. If one of those cases is not occurring, even though they just removed my endo., it will start growing back rapidly. In my case, I have it so severe, that time is of the essence. We do not have time to see if pregnancy happens naturally or if IUI's might take - we have to aggressively move forward.

In a way, this was quite the blow. On one note, I remain thankful that my chances have still increased, that they have determined what is wrong with me and that technology has benefited me by providing IVF and other Assisted Reproductive Technology methods (ART's.) On the other hand, all hope going forward is quite costly. IVF treatments are not guaranteed, if that doesn't work we could explore surrogacy or adoption which can cost upwards of three times the amount of one IVF treatment.

Today I have come face to face with the possibility of living life childless. How do people do it? Are nieces and nephews enough?? Am I being selfish for wanting a child of my own so deeply that it hurts? Should I be thankful for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life? Can my Grandma please let God know that I really am ready!!!

To my dear friends that do read this and have been reading this - thank you. I hope this sheds some insight into all the times I have not called or emailed back or been the friend or family member I should have been. This has taken quite the toll on me. I love you for all of the continual support I receive - I don't think there is anyone on earth that has a bigger or better support system than I do. This blog has been so therapeutic for me - I hope it sheds some insight into all of the things I have not been able to verbalize over the past year. I love you.

September, 2004 - Here we go again.

It was time to remove another non viable fetus from inside me. In a weird way, this time was much easier than the first. You somewhat mentally prepare yourself for this to happen.

We were given the same options, D&C or medicine to do the termination. Because I had heard so many horror stories of scar tissue building up from D&C's, I opted to use the medicine this time. The following day, I went back to Dr. Bui's office where she inserted cytotec inside of me. She sent me home with a prescription of vicodin.

All I can say is THANK GOD FOR VICODIN!! I have never been in such excrutiating pain in my life. I ended up taking 6 vicodin in four hours and finally passing out due to the pain. That night I told my family, thank God I had been through one miscarriage before doing this. There is nothing like being in such pain and seeing the remains of everything coming out of you. I know this is quite a gross thought, however, it is as real as real gets. I would only suggest going about termination this way if you have already had a D&C and if you can emotionally and physically handle the nonstop pain.

Finally it was over. I now no longer had my baby and I did not have my Grandma to cry to. I was literally a mess. Somebody in my family had been on Prozac for a while (I won't name names,) and always joked with me that if there were ever a candidate for Prozac that it was me. I was always one who thought people medicated too quickly in times of depression. Were people truly depressed? Wasn't there any other way to work around this than to self medicate? After about a week of seriously not being able to go even an hour without crying, my entire family suggested I talk to someone about my depression. I have never been so deeply sad - I hurt inside and I was so empty. I had lost almost everything that had meaning to me.

My new motto is THANK GOD FOR PROZAC!! I truly do not believe I would not be the person I am today without this. After a few weeks on the medicine, I felt like a new person. I was not crying anymore. I still felt the same sadness and emptiness, however, now I was able to deal with all of my emotions instead of continually crying. It was a true God send. I have only cried three times in the almost one year I have been on Prozac - once on Mothers Day, second was on the day of my last failed IUI and my last battle with tears was on a really awful day at work a few weeks ago! To me - this feels like an accomplishment! I was in a truly awful place prior to this time.

This is the point in my life where my "miscarriages" turned into "infertility." This was the first time we realized there might be problems having children. In my research, I had found that having two blighted ovum pregnancies was very uncommon. We weren't sure if this was something in Will or in myself that was causing this.

Dr. Bui finally was now able to refer us to an infertility doctor. My doctor, Dr. Hirata, is also an Endocrinologist which has been wonderful as well. Being referred over to Dr. Hirata opened a whole new world for Will and I, one that became filled with even more sadness and frustration than we ever imagined.

August 2004 - Could life get any worse?

I arrived at the airport on my birthday to find my husband witing for me. We went to the car and he looked at me and said "Shana, something bad has happened. Your Grandma is at Alameda Hospital, she had a stroke." As this blog is not about my Grandma or death, I will not go into too much detail. I will say that from August 25 - August 27 (the day she died) was the most horrible three days of my life.

The most wonderful woman in my life died on August 27, 2004. Nothing could have been worse. My Grandma was there for me through all of my infertility struggles. Just a couple weeks before I was at her house ,and for no reason, I had just sobbed, from the bottom of my soul, to her. She always said that it would happen - not to rush - be patient and it will come. Virgo Shana did not understand this!

That same week I found out I was pregnant again. I felt as if it was a gift from my Grandma. I laughed and said as soon as she saw God she told him that I was waiting for a baby. They both delivered. I got pregnant during the turmoil time of my Grandma dying. Everyone has said when you are least thinking about it that it will happen - I guess that was the case for us. I just new she had sent this baby to me.

Will and I became overjoyed yet we were scared. We had already had one miscarriage so of course we wouldn't have another one ---right?? We played it safe for the next month - not telling many people. Making sure I got extra rest and took it extra easy.

Since I had already had one miscarriage, my doctor was very cautious. I was told instead of waiting 10 weeks to do the first ultra sound, I could do it at 8 weeks. Up until that point, we continually measured my Progesterone levels and my HCG levels. Everything was increasing like it should be.

At last we were scheduled for our 8 week ultra sound. We were both excited and nervous. We had been through this once before, nothing could be wrong with this pregnancy. Dr. Bui began the ultrasound and instantaneously we knew. There was no heartbeat.

April 2004 - Pregnancy obsession.

After my D&C, I became obsessed with getting pregnant again. I longed for that feeling inside my body. As my dear friend Addison said - "You need to get back on that horse woman!" And this is what I did.

Since this blog is an insight into what has happened, I need to go into some detail here. I don't think my husband and I ever thought there could be such a thing as too much sex. From all of the reading I had done, I found the overall consensus to be that it was supposed to be easy to get pregnant right after a miscarriage. You were supposed to have a ton of pregnancy hormones still running through your system. Through all my reading, I became quite the expert on everything to do with conceiving a baby. Some tips to the trying:

• Do not have sex every day, it can decrease your partners sperm count. This is a very important factor in the conception process (as some obsessive women like me may not realize.) Try to have sex every other day.
• Make sure you are charting your periods. The myth is that ovulation occurs at day 14. If you are having shorter than the typical 28 - 30 day cycles, this ovulation date can be as early as day 10 - 12.
• Do not waste your money on ovulation tests. Those stupid things told me I ovulated one time in about six months (ovulation is not my problem.) The one time it said I was ovulating, we had more sex than we had ever had in our lives and there was still no baby.
• Cut out the alcohol, tobacco, illegal substances (not in my case - just to be clear to my family who is reading this.) All of these items can negatively impact your body.
• Take your prenatal vitamins - I cannot stress this enough. Even prior to conception. Any woman who is of conception age that may want to have children at some point in the future - TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!!

Will and I did everything - from the tips above to just about standing on my head when the every other day event had finished taking place, we were doing it all.

At this point Will wanted to go back to the - "Let's see what happens" approach. To me this was not an option - we could not wait and see what happened. I NEEDED to be pregnant again. For those who know me as well, I am a Virgo. To be an infertile Virgo woman has to be the icing on the cake - it is a nightmare!! Virgo's have a plan and have control at all times. Having scheduled sex was not part of the plan!

Month after month, my periods continued as scheduled. At this point they were becoming slightly more irregular which was stressing me out. A few months came where day 29 came, no period and I was sure I was pregnant. My periods were just becoming more sporadic.

Since I have a pre existing condition of epilepsy, Dr. Bui was able to order many tests after the first miscarriage that they would typically not order until after two or three. We checked hormone levels, thyroid function etc. There was nothing wrong with me. This was a double edged sword in my mind. I didn't want to be dying, however, I wanted the doctor to say take this pill and this will never happen again. I was not so lucky!

In June, 2004, Will and I were still not pregnant and the house next door to us burned down. We were displaced for about 2 months and had to move in with my parents. Needless to say, baby making took a little break during this time. During this period, we were also considering moving to Atlanta. I was traveling back and forth across country. My last trip home was on my birthday, August 25, 2004, this day would become one of the most horrible days of my life.

March 30, 2004 - Why is this happening to us?

I could not believe it when Dr. Bui told us there was no heartbeat. Even before the D&C I went to another doctor just to get a second opinion. Hoping that my doctor might have missed the heartbeat or that it was in a temporary slowdown during my appointment - maybe now it was beating again! To our dissapointment, there was truly no heartbeat and we were to move forward with the D&C.

I should back up for a moment and tell you that during this pregnancy, I looked for every typical problem pregnancy sign. I checked for blood every time I went to the bathroom, I was more in tune with my body than ever, trying to feel every twinge that was occuring inside of me. There was nothing. I was a normal pregnant woman who was getting sick, gaining weight etc.

When asking my doctor why this had happened, we were informed that I was having a "Blighted Ovum" or an "Embryonic Pregnancy." Both meant that I had conceived, however, at some point the fetus stopped developing. However, my body did not realize yet that this had happened. A typical miscarriage had not occured. We were told that this can happen for multiple reasons such as a genetic malformation or a fluke. However, we were reassured the standard line that "you are young" and that this should not happen again.

We were given the option of terminating the pregnancy either through a D&C or by taking a ton of medicine. I opted for the D&C. I knew my baby had died and I wanted to remove everything and not feel pregnant any longer.

Prior to a D&C, you are given medication that will ultimatley eliminate anything inside of you. Even though I knew my child had died, I felt as if I was killing it by taking this medicine. This began the first of many major breakdowns. I cried more than I ever had in my life - I cried from my soul.

The D&C was fairly uneventful - there was little pain afterwards. My Grandma brought over my favorite - homemade applesauce. This was the last time I would be able to taste my favorite childhood treat. I had two weeks off of work and in that two weeks I read every internet site and ordered every book I could find relating to miscarriage. I was determined on figuring out why this had happened and what I could do to prevent it in the future. I read everything from Preventing Miscarriage to Fertility based on Blood Type - I am still trying to assess the credibility of that book. My A + blood is still having some problems!

Thank God for not only my entire family during this time, but especially Will and my sister Colleen. When we arrived home from the hospital, we pulled the mattress from the bedroom to the middle of the front room floor. For a week, Will, myself, Colleen and our dog Buddy laid in the front room flipping between soap operas, ESPN, Court TV and the Food Network. This was exactly what I needed. My life consisted of eating, crying and laying.

I would call my mom and my Grandma all the time just sobbing. Why had this happened to me? All of my friends at this point had either not started trying to have children or had already had all of their children. Did anybody really understand what I was going through?

February, 2004 - The happiest month of my life.

Will was on a business trip in CT when I found out the news. My period was so regular at that time - I had not started my period on the morning of day 28. After work I went home, took a test and it was positive! I could not believe it! This wasn't even difficult - it happened so fast. It was just how it was all supposed to be!

As I tried to breathe I drove to my parents and on my way calling my friend from high school who already had three kids of her own. I was about the only person left out of the aprox. 25 girls in my senior class that did not have a child. Amy was thrilled for me. My parents were shocked - they made me go to another drug store and buy another brand of home pregnancy test (HPT's.) Three HPT's later - we were convinced I was pregnant.

We called my sister in Los Angeles, I called my friends, Will called his family in KY and we went to my Grandma's house to surprise her with the good news. Everyone was ecstatic!

I told my boss and friend, Addison, the next day at work. I wanted to tell everyone in the office. He cautioned me though and said - "Shana, you never know what will happen, wait 12 weeks." I thought - you're crazy - nothing has ever happened to any child in my family with the exception of my sister (we are still trying to figure out what happened to her!) Joke - Colleen I Love You! But in all seriousness - I come from a long line of fertile women!! I stayed hush around the office, feeling nauseous in my back corner, eating all of my healthy food like a good pregnant woman should do.

Will came home from CT that weekend and I surprised him with a bag. Inside contained all of the positive pregnancy tests and an "I Love My Daddy" bib. At first he looked at the contents like - what the heck is this?!?!? The it clicked. In front of numerous passengers we hugged and were happy. All gave us their best wishes. This extraordinary time lasted approximately 30 days. Until March 30, 2004 when we had our first ultrasound appointment. That is when my doctor made a face I will never forget.

At approximately 8 weeks pregnant, I expected to see a small baby like being on the monitor. I expected joyfulness, laughter, excitement - all of the things new parents should experience. Instead Will and I were shown a spot on the screen that was our baby and its heart - the heart was not beating. We would have to terminate the pregnancy.

I just finished watching a show where a woman found therapy in writing a blog. I am not sure where to begin this and have never done anything like this. This first post might be quite long - maybe I should break this up into multiple postings.... There is so much to tell. Before I begin, please feel free to ask anything - over the past two years not only have I been on every drug known to man, have a pharmacy in my house, I have tried everything from traditional medicine to Chinese herbal therapies. I have also read every book out there - I consider myself a pseudo expert.

My name is Shana and I am a 27 year old living in California. I have been happily married for almost five years now. Exactly two years ago, my husband and I decided to stop using birth control and "see what happens." We were in Moss Beach, CA when the decision was made and I thought this was the best day of my life! We were finally on the same page when it came to children! I called everyone I knew just to tell them I would be going off the Pill - it was as exciting to me as getting pregnant.

My life has gone in a fairly normal fashion. I attended San Jose State University, got married at 23, bought my first home and landed my first "Real" job at 24. It was only normal that age 25 would be the year for babies.

Since I had been on birth control for ten years at this time, I always figured pregnancy would not come right away. My husband and I proceeded with our normal lives - no schedules, BBT, ovulation tests etc. In February 2004, 3 months after going off the pill, I found out I was pregnant.